Here are just a few of the emotions that will encompass my visit to this tricky place this week.
1) Loneliness. Tim leaving is not so monumental. Kids grow up and leave home. It's what we encourage them to do. It's just that China is so very far away and it's just that he is moving there. Moving. I liked the visiting better. I liked the two-way tickets more. I liked his laughter in the family room and his light on to all hours of the night. I liked the sound of his voice praying the Nicene Creed in church. I even like the sound of his machine when he does his breathing treatments. I like the late night texts when he was away that told us he was "back at the apartment" and we knew he was safe. By the end of this week they will be gone...his laughter, his light, his prayers next to me in church and his texts. I will miss all those things. I will be lonely for them.
2) Gratitude. To Fr. Brian and to God for this amazing opportunity for him to go teach in China. Not only teach...but as Fr. Brian keeps saying to "do good for the church". With his degrees in theology and his Chinese language and his great faith and great love for the Chinese people, he will get to serve God in a special way....in a way not many others could do. He does have a special mission...and he embraces it. I am so grateful to Fr. Brian and God. I am so grateful for the blessings of his vocation in China.
3) Perspective. I know. I know. Other people have it worse. Please know I am not feeling sorry for myself. I know there are young people leaving for war and their moms are in an even trickier place as they wait for their safe return. I know Tim is a kid with CF who is healthy at 29 years old. Let me say that again because it sounds so amazing. He is healthy at 29 years old. He is not going to the hospital he is going to China. I know this is not Andy. My sister once said the hardest part about losing a child is you wait for them to come home. Andy is not coming home. Tim will come home. I get the perspective. Truly I do.
4) Sadness. The sadness comes from a lost dream that many of you know I struggle with. I have tried to let it go. I have tried to offer it up. It is a process. But many of you have also come forward and said you still struggle with the loss of Tim's dream too. Many people tell me they still question, they still pray and they still cry for Tim and his dream of being a priest. Leaving for China feels like he lost his dream for good. Truth is...maybe he found it. Truth is...I am still sad about it. I don't wallow in the sadness but I do dip my toe in it.
5) Blessed. I feel so blessed to be part of Tim's faith journey. I feel so blessed to have witnessed his courage to fight the adversity that threatened to disable more than CF or Autism ever could. Mostly I feel blessed and comforted that he is so thrilled to be going back to China. As much as I fight back tears, he tries to contain excitement because he simply can't wait to be back in Jilin. The relief when the plan was put into place was not only evident on his face...it was evident in his heart that he is going "home" to his beloved China. He is going "home" to serve God.
So here's to the week of finishing packing, last minute list making, card writing and family dinnering. Here's to one last family rosary before he leaves, one last check of the passport and visa before he goes, one last brother picture and one last hug and hug and hug before he heads to that gate at the airport. Here's to a week of plowing through emotions of a mother's heart trying to stretch from here to China and a son's heart who never really left China. A week from now he will be far, far away in China and I will be in that tricky place of the emotions of loneliness, gratitude, perspective, sadness and feeling blessed...very blessed.