Sheila Sims Iding
‘Tis the season…but, quite frankly, I don’t totally get it. Quite frankly, most people I know, don’t totally get it. Most grown ups I know don’t even fully understand it. As a convert…I struggle with it a bit. Well…not really struggle…but I wrestle with it a bit. It’s reconciliation time. It’s going to confession time. It’s the thing most foreign to converts when we become part of this universal church. How can telling a priest my sins help me be a better Christian? Can’t that just be between God and me? When I pray at night and ask God to forgive all my wrong doings of the day…doesn’t that count? So how to I reconcile with reconciliation?
Well…fortunately I have been blessed with a spiritual director who has more wisdom, more knowledge and more faith than I ever will. So…in these times…when my wisdom is lacking, my knowledge is fleeing and my faith is questioning, I go to my spiritual director for answers and explanations. In these times, I go to Tim. Tim explains how it is rooted in ancient Jewish days from the time Moses pleaded on the mountaintop for forgiveness of his people. It goes back to the early Christian church tradition and the saints believing if you confess your wrong doings God will not hold you accountable for those things on judgment day. You have already “reconciled” them with God. So I go to reconciliation…still striving to understand it all.
Remember when you were little and had to do something that made you nervous or afraid? Your mom or dad might stand by you and even though you completed the task entirely on your own…they still were there to support you. So it is with me. When I go to reconciliation Tim always came with me. He stood in line with me. He rehearsed the prayers that converts don’t always have memorized and he explained, encouraged and inspired me. I became the child unsure of the situation and he became the parent guiding me to independence of my own reconcilation time.
Well…tis the season…the season of Lent…where it is good to reconcile. Where it is good to look in your conscience and examine what could be better, what could be different, what could bring your heart closer to Jesus. And so this weekend I went to the reconciliation service at St. Gerard Church and prayed and sang and then waited in line and missed Tim…missed his guidance…missed his wisdom…missed his love of this sacrament…and missed the rehearsal of just the right words…just the right prayers. Missed the time he texted me the Act of Contrition. Missed the time he wrote it on an index card or me. Missed Tim.
Oh sure…Pat stood next to me and babied me and walked me through some things but I was more focused on the list he made to take in with him. I had no list. Quite frankly, there isn’t enough paper for my list of things to reconcile. And then I got sidetracked wondering what could be on Pat Iding’s list. Really? He goes to mass every single morning, he works 80 hours a week, he has more patience, faith and understanding in one hour than I have in one week and I just had to smile at this sacred list he held so prayerfully in his hand.
So then I wondered what words?...what order of things to reconcile? (Can you tell I don’t like calling them sins?) and what prayer?...what list? And then I remembered…the words, the lists, the prayers weren’t the important part. The important part was being there. Was being before God (not the priest) and saying “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for the things I have to reconcile. I’m sorry for the things I do and don’t do. The things I have said and not said. The thoughts I have thought and not un-thought. I’m sorry.
I remember my most memorable reconciliation times. They were at Holy Cross with Fr. Raymond. Confessions and penances that I will never forget. Confessions and penances that did bring me closer to God. They made me a better person. Once I confessed about taking the Lord’s name in vain…and he was so funny. He said “Oh…you don’t want to do that. One day your are going to be near death and you will be saying Oh God…Oh God…and He won’t know if you are going to say “help me” or “damn it”. It really made me think about saying those two words together again. Then once I confessed about judging others and he said “That’s okay. We all do it. We just have to try not to. And…if you do think badly about someone…you owe them a good thought so for every bad thought you have, just match it up with a good thought.” Fair exchange.
The best thing I remember about Fr. Raymond was the penance he would pass down. It wasn’t 10 Hail Mary’s or Bible readings or acts of service. It was more simple than that. It was more powerful than that. It was to kneel before the crucifix and reflect on the powerful fact that Jesus died for our sins…for my sins. For the sins I just confessed, for the sins I was just forgiven, for the sins I will commit the next day and the next day and the next day. Jesus already paid the price. Jesus already has forgiven me…forgiven us. All we have to do is ask for that forgiveness and receive His mercy and grace. And there you have the amazing power of reconciliation…His mercy and grace.
I don’t mean this writing to sound like a clanging cymbal. I am not a better person or better Christian because I went to confession. There are many people who never step foot in a church, let alone a confessional, and are better Christians than I ever hope to be. The reason I go is because it feels like a special invitation for mercy, grace and forgiveness. The day Jesus died on the cross He delivered that sacred invitation. It’s the reason, no matter the penance I am given, that I still kneel before the crucifix and reflect…and say thank you for dying for me. It’s the reason reconciliation is so meaningful to this ignorant convert. And…if you think about it…it is the very essence of this Holy season of Lent. It is the reason I have reconciled reconciliation.