I Wasn’t Going to Love Her
Sheila Sims Iding
“Sheila Jean…you learn everything the hard way.” My poor dad had to say that more than once to me. Pat has too. Apparently, I am stubborn in all that I do…including learning life lessons. For the record I prefer to call it “determined” over “stubborn” but the truth is…I do learn many things the hard way. They say you only get burnt once…but not me. I have been to stove more than once and gotten burned. I was more careful this time.
So…when Joey started dating Addie I was more careful. Oh…she was cute and darling and wonderful. And I knew her a bit from high school days because she was in Tim’s class at Catholic Central. Joey had played soccer with her brother. There was a bit of a connection. And…what’s not to like? She is a Catholic School teacher, an athlete, loves Michigan State, and adores her nieces and nephews as much as they adore her and loves her family even more. She can put bait on a hook to go fishing, chocolate on a pretzel to tempt me or put diamond earrings on for a party. So it was easy to like her right away. But I wasn’t going to love her.
I wasn’t going to love her because of the hard-learned lesson. This difficult lesson even happened to some of my friends. Your sons and daughters start dating and that person becomes part of your every day. When our sons have dated, some of those girls have gradually become one of us. They become part of our everyday. They share our birthday celebrations, our pew in church and our Christmas Eve reflections. They wiggled their way into your family…into your life…into your heart. They start spending time in your family room, in your car on long trips and their number is now in your cell phone.
And then they leave. The break up is the best thing for both of them. You get that. And you are happy that they know that and they are both on to better lives with different people. But long after your sons are over them, you are picking up the pieces of those cards…those pictures…those memories. It’s not because they were like a daughter to you…they weren’t. But they were like a niece. Someone you cared about, worried about and loved. It’s the “love” part that I was going to be more careful about with Addie. I wasn’t going to love her.
Then there was the friendship with Tim…the coffee dates…the rides back and forth to Chicago…the special talks they had. There was even the time she waited a day later to start family vacation because she wanted to bring Tim home when he left Chicago. Oh we could have gone and gotten him. We could have been with him for his last hours in Chicago and brought him home. But Addie insisted. She genuinely wanted to be the person to help him start his new journey. I admired her for that…but I wasn’t going to love her.
There are the memories already in our family room of her laughing with Joey, her jabbing back at him (I love how she gives it right back to him) and our dog, Ollie, on her lap. Then there are the late night fb chats we had together where she shared her feelings, her hopes, her self. Her family is as close as ours so she never questions that family comes first or that a family can be too close or that we do too much together. She not only gets all that…she lives that too. I love her appreciation of family…but I wasn’t going to love her.
My friends sensed it…they asked if I was excited for Joey, if I knew how wonderful Addie was, if I loved her. Yes, yes and no. I held up my hands and they sensed my guard. Yes…I am excited. Yes…she is more than wonderful. But I wasn’t going to go there with the caring part. I wasn’t going to love her. I can’t do that again. Remember…I already learned the hard way.
Her smile is amazing. Her faith is sure. Her care is sincere. Her love for Joey is genuine. Her love for everyone is genuine. But I wasn't going to love her. I was guarded in fear of the day she might not be Joey's girl friend anymore. And then on December 10, 2011 it happened. Addie wasn’t Joey’s girlfriend anymore. On that day Addie became his fiance’. On that day Joey asked for forever and Addie said yes to forever. On that day she could know I love her.
One day she was a friend who had coffee with Tim helping him fight off loneliness in a big city. It did a mother’s heart good, but I wasn’t going to love her. One day she was Joey’s girlfriend and it seemed like she was always part of our family, but I wasn’t going to love her. The day they got engaged I could finally say what my heart was saying all along. On that day she knew I loved her. Truth is, I had all along. Actually…she had me had her coffees with Tim.