Andy went to heaven 11 years ago today. He was only 19. He died suddenly from an undetected heart condition. The very day his unhealthy heart found new life in heaven….our hearts broke. Actually...they shattered. One of your first thoughts is that he died too young. We only got 19 years with him. That seems way too short when measured by an auntie’s heart. I can’t imagine how cheated a parent’s heart must feel. So…how do you come to grips with the death-grip grief has on your heart?
Well…you pray and search for answers. You soon realize there are no answers for the “why?” but there are answers that bring comfort…not a healing comfort…but a band-aid comfort. My band-aid came in an article I read. I don’t even remember who wrote the article but it was about a dad who lost his son and was trying to make sense of the senseless and trying to figure out how to muddle through the grief...how to muddle through life.
This is what he said…When that baby boy was born…on that glorious day…if God had said “He is yours but you only get to keep him for 19 years.” On that joyous BIRTH day…you would accept that questionable deal. You wouldn’t have said “no thank you”….you wouldn’t have given him back…you wouldn’t have a second thought about keeping him…and keeping the deal…if only for 19 years. You would have taken that deal…in a heartbeat…a tiny newborn heartbeat.
I don’t really believe that God makes “deals” but when the boys were diagnosed with cystic fibrosis and a life expectancy of only 15 years…my comfort band-aid then was they were just on loan from God. They are a Child of God and He let us borrow them. I learned to be grateful for borrowed days...borrowed miracles...borrowed lives. I realized we are all really just borrowed from God.
With Andy we only got 19 years of borrowed time. But there are so many memories…so many moments FULL of life…packed into those 19 years. In those 19 years...we got summers together...holidays together...a family room full of his goofiness...late nights online chats...hockey rink memories...a NYC trip and incredible hugs that I can still feel...almost. Andy was so full of laughter and energy and shenanigans and strength and love…and life. He packed a lot of moments...zeal...and memories...in that short life. It’s almost like God knew about “the deal”.
I still don’t believe that God makes deals and I know everyone grieves in their own way…and has their own band-aids of comfort. But…as an auntie…when I held that 10 pound baby with that fuzzy hair and beautiful face..if God had said “You only get this nephew for 19 years.”….I knew then he was so damn special …I would have taken that deal.
Every August 2nd for 11 years I have listened to Diamond Rio’s song “One More Day” because...deal or no deal...he “leaves me wishing for one more day with you”. Happy Heavenly Birthday, Drewbs. Miss you lots...love you more.