Sheila Sims Iding
I will start this by saying “don’t judge”. I can say that because I will do the judging for you. I am a baby. A big baby. I hate being alone. Not just staying alone…being alone…in a room…at Target…on a morning run…in the middle of the night. I don’t like being alone. I never have. I never will.
Now…having said that…I admire people who love solitude. My sister loves being alone. Tim used to love his alone time. Most writers enjoy a quiet place to write. Some writers seek it out. I am writing in a family room with two other people nearby, a dog at my feet and a TV filling the space with sound.
This past weekend was Adam’s birthday weekend and for a gift we got him tickets to the Big Ten Tourney in Chicago. The family was going to go…even Joey and Addie…and I was excited. Family time, Adam’s birthday, Spartan Basketball, Michigan Avenue Stores and Chicago! Pack your bags. Not so fast…two words: Community Day. It was Community Day at St. Gerard School on Sunday. And two more words: Oscar and Ollie.
And so the stage was set. They were all heading to Chicago and I was going to be a big girl and stay by myself. Alone. For three days and two nights. Alone. When you are alone with yourself and your thoughts and your…let’s say it…fears. You learn a lot about yourself. Here’s what my alone time taught me about me.
Babysitters: When you are alone for a whole weekend and all your family is out of town…out of state and your sisters are too far away for an emergency…you tuck your tail and you bury your pride (if you even had any) and you walk to the room of a teacher friend and sheepishly ask if she will babysit you. No…not come spend the night. No..not invite you to dinner. Just be “on call” if there is a medical emergency or a fearful urgency. Her smile…her “yes”…her understanding brought immediate relief. Thank you Beth and Ray for babysitting me.
Dinner alone: Dinner alone is not fun. Breakfast and lunch I always eat alone. Dinner…not so much. We usually eat around 6:30 on a Friday night and I found myself watching the clock before I realized I can eat whenever I want. 4:50 was dinnertime on Friday. Alone.
Cheering Alone: Watching the Spartans and cheering and jeering isn’t so much fun when you are alone. In fact…it’s kind of silly. I like how Ollie stares at me like he knows swearing is wrong and swearing probably won’t help them play better. Thank God Tim decided to skype with me. I set the computer on the stool by the TV and through the skype camera he watched the game with me. He never really swears at the stupid turnovers but I don’t think he stared at me when I did the way Ollie does. It was fun not to have to watch the game “alone” and even more fun to share that exciting victory with someone. When you are alone high fiving and celebrating aren’t as much fun.
Lazy, Lazy: When I was alone I discovered all that Pat does around the house. Wow! Am I lazy! I had to start the dishwasher, change the kitty litter, feed the pets, take out the trash, start the laundry, empty the dishwasher and….take Ollie out before we went to bed. At 11:00 at night. In the dark. Alone. Turns out…I’m not very efficient at Pat’s many jobs. I did feed the pets but I forgot to give Oliver more water. He got food…not water. Wow…he was glad to see Pat come home. Sorry, Ollie!
Locking up and Lights off (sort of): Every night our house is safe and secure but I never lock up. Pat does that. Front door…locked. Back door…locked. Garage door…down. Sliding doors…locked & locked. Lights off, off and off. Okay…except for that one over the sink. Probably should leave that on just for the next two nights. Wait? That light in the basement??? Did I leave that on? Who’s down there? Let’s leave that on all night. I’ll check in the morning. In the daylight. Big baby.
A Good Night’s Sleep: Sometimes Ollie wakes up at night barking. Most of the nights he sleeps through the whole night. I needed it to be a sleep-through- the-whole night sleep. The barking would make me nervous. Taking him out in the middle of the night would terrify me. Sleep Ollie…please just sleep. And he did…and I slept…and I woke up in the morning with Oscar at my pillow like always and Ollie at my face. Yes..it was a bit crowded around that pillow and..yes…I loved every minute of it.
Coming and Going: I learned that leaving a house alone and coming back to a house alone is not a fun thing…for me anyway. Oscar and Ollie greeted me but I needed someone to make conversation. I talked to them. They didn’t really answer nor did they particularly care how my day was.
Lunch TIME: I learned that when your sister invites you to lunch on a lonely Saturday, you can’t wait for noon. You can’t wait for a person. You can’t wait for voice. You can’t wait for company. Is it noon yet? And I learned something I already knew…lunch with Suzy is therapy…alone weekend or not. Her wisdom, her faith, her logic, her reasoning calm family worries, health concerns, friendship troubles and troubled hearts. Suzy makes everything better…she always has. She always will.
Understanding: I have an even better understanding of Tim’s solitude. On winter break when school was out of session, it’s unbearably lonely for Tim. And he is someone who likes to be alone…but not this much. Meal after meal…alone. Prayer after prayer…alone. Day after day…alone. In my two days alone my empathy grew for him and his several days alone.
Mass: Mass alone is never fun. I worry about getting dizzy. I worry about getting weepy (too much think time). I worry about no hand to hold during prayer. Mass alone should be more spiritual not more fearful. I need to work on that.
Don’t Get Comfortable: Just when you think things are going okay and you are getting used to the awkwardness of solitude…it starts to fall apart. There is a shooting at your neighborhood Meijers. You can’t fall asleep so you lay there and just as you start to fall asleep Ollie barks at some noise outside. An hour later he barks again. And again and again. Just what you dreaded. You know the Meijer shooter is in your yard but you take Oliver outside anyway. And you freeze and he doesn’t have to go to the bathroom and you come back in and lock up and lock up and lock up. And try to sleep between the barking and the lurking of the boogie man and the fear of being alone.
Morning Comes: Somehow you fall asleep and you learn that morning always comes. And even better…it’s the morning of the day they return home and you will not be alone again for a long, long time.
You realize many people are alone every day. Some people like it. Some don’t. I am just so used to being spoiled. I am just so used to having people around me, it’s not natural for me to be alone…ever. I will have extra admiration for those who enjoy being alone. I will have extra empathy for the missionary, the widower, the spouse of a soldier, the single person…all forced into solitude. And I will be grateful for all the people in my life who save me from the quiet of loneliness and the panic of immature fears and the humiliation of being afraid at 58 years old. And I will hope it is a long time before I have to be alone again…naturally.